My mom taught me to eat healthy since I was little. Vegetables, fruits, lean proteins were part of our diet. I love salads, I enjoy green juices, and I am obese. I am 41 years old, 38 of which I have gone through a diet, another, eating plans, psychologists, self-help groups, exercise, and even bariatric surgery. The gastric band for which I almost ended up buried.
The results have always been the same. I return to being overweight, obese, and in increasing numbers. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t believe in anything. I don’t think anything can give me a body with an acceptable weight. “You just have to learn to eat well!”, I know how to eat well, balance food, at home we cook healthy, my children eat well, and just as my mother taught me, I try to teach my children to eat everything.
Mom and Dad deciding what to eat together
My husband is involved in feeding the family. He cooks lunch, I make dinner. On Saturday mornings we both meet to plan the menu for the week and as a family, we make the groceries. This has allowed us to cook at home, look for good quality foods and take care of our health and strengthen our immune system through what we eat. However, I am still obese. The time that I have been able to be thin has implied not going out to social gatherings so as not to eat, it has implied crying from hunger, taking pills, living purged and seeing my body as an enemy that fights a battle that Always Wins.
Could you be a happy fat woman?
I’m not going to tell you that being fat makes me happy, every day I fight mentally to love and accept myself as I am. Every day I decide to wake up early and go swimming or walking to strengthen my body and my spirit, no longer in the desire to leave Plus sizes but in the desire to be stronger, activate endorphins, and have more energy to attend and play with my little children.
I know from experience that a slim body gives me more agility, it allows me to be more comfortable in my own skin but I don’t want to submit to pieces of tejocote root and remain with diarrhea day and night, or stop living with my family because I am I crave and I can’t eat that.
This is a daily internal struggle, the fear to which all my upbringing I was subjected on the pretext that through this I would lose weight, listening to phrases like, look at your grandmother, she can’t walk because her knees are ae damaged for being fat. Do you want to be like your grandmother? I am always afraid of ending up like my grandmother struggling with knees, but then I think, my dad has always been overweight, and yet he is very disciplined and has exercised absolutely all his life, he is 70 years old and his knees are healthy.
The fear of being fat
The fears that have been sown in me since I was a child because of my weight are imminent, insecurity, feeling rejected, feeling ugly, or that I should not even exist because I am different is very deep and ingrained beliefs and fears. Every day I fight with them. I have stages in which I get stronger, I have others in which I fall. I always try to stay positive and never let my overweight keep me from doing what I want to do.
There are thoughts that still dominate me strongly, such as the idea that I should not wear white clothes because it makes me look fatter, the battle is daily.
Breaking Generational Chains
I want my children to have a different feeling towards their person, that they learn that their body is their friend, it is their accomplice, it is their ally and not an enemy. I always tell them how proud it makes me feel that they are such smart, entrepreneurial, good children, and happy human beings.
They have never seen me weigh or measure myself, they have never heard me complain about my overweight or talk about diets, only to say that all foods are healthy and delicious and that at home we really like foods that nourish us more. We talk that all human beings are beautiful and wonderful because they are part of divine creation and that we must treat and love everyone equally no matter how they look.
I want my children to grow up loving their bodies, making healthy decisions for their person because they enjoy them, and feeling worthy of any food.
My struggle is daily, many times they told me that I am fat because I do not love myself, because I do not have willpower and it is what through those words they taught me instead of teaching me to be able to value myself as a human being and not as a size.
I know I have tremendous willpower because I have spent more than 10 days on pure water fasting in the quest for a slim body. I know that I have immense willpower because I survived 42 hours of labor and my body was torn from side to side to give life to a child. I know that I have willpower because I spent many sleepless nights studying to be able to get a postgraduate degree in a language that was not my own, in a foreign country.
Willpower is not about weight, self-love is not about weight. Erasing information and accessing new ways of thinking is my daily job. Loving a fat body and giving it what it needs to be healthy is my way of loving myself today. What is your relationship with food? What is your relationship with your body?